death and dying

that was the name of my favorite class at sac state when i studied psychology. loved the professor, even went on to be his assistant. but what i remember the most was a field trip we took to a funeral home (one that i now live near) where i got to see an actual dead body and even touch it (that wasn't part of the tour, but when i told the prof that i'd never even seen a dead body before, he condoned my quick poke). and for the next 10 years or so, that was my only encounter with death. then i got cancer. then i met people who had cancer. then i knew people who died from cancer. then my two favorite uncle-in-laws died and i went to their funerals, my first and second funerals ever attended. then mike's good friend's dad died, and we attended another funeral. then about two weeks ago, one of mike's coworkers was in a horrible car accident and his only son, age three, was killed. and we're now going to that funeral on saturday. i don't even think there should be caskets that small. and i have all these morbid thoughts like, is it going to be open casket? how did they preserve the body for two weeks (embalming doesn't last that long, does it)? what if i freak out and start sobbing so loud i have to leave? what if i can't cry at all or get a sudden attack of the giggles, which i am prone to do at inappropriate times? what if i blank and forget all of mike's co-worker's names? and what am i going to wear? i can't fit into any of my somber clothes these days. i know, who the fuck cares, right? but these are my rambling funeral thoughts.the funeral will be a capper on a week where i'm trying to arrange to go visit a gym acquaintance who is dying of cancer and is on hospice. his story is heartbreaking. husband and father of two, healthy as can be, starts coughing up blood occasionally and finally goes to the doctor and finds out he has testicular cancer that's metastasized to his lungs. after several rounds of aggressive chemo (is there any other kind? why isn't there passive chemo, cuddly chemo, even kitten chemo?) and several in-and-out hospital stays, the doctors thought everything was ok. then the tumors came back and now it's full blown and he's terminal and he's fought so hard and for so long that it just makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with a god who would do something like that to someone like him. i mean, really, what the fuck!?