oil

tonight i'm up waaaay past my bedtime, and i'm burning the (almost) midnight oil. i've been on a spending spree again, so i need to find some quickie jobs to make some quickie cash that will hopefully shut mike up for a while. not that i blame him, but i just feel so cruddy about myself and when i feel that way, i spend. it's stupid, but it is what it is. i'm fat, therefore i shop! it's weird being the only one up in the house--even the cats are sleeping, and i'm hardly ever up later than mike. although last night he was in bed when i was (8:30) which was crazy early for him. well, since my whole purpose for being up so late was to get some work done/find some work to do, i'd better get at it!

resilience

yesterday i sat mesmerized while lance won his seventh tdf--this from a man who the doctors wrote off after he was diagnosed. his victory came at the tail end of a weekend where another one of our neighbors died of cancer. although it didn't come as a surprise, because she'd been on hospice for a few weeks, i'm still amazed that only a couple of months ago she was fine. anyway, i'm starting to think we live in a cancer cluster! thank goodness for my favorite reality distractions--books and tv. i'm now in the process of clearing out the dvr so i can have room for all my shows while we're away. the cats have been extra cute lately. for some reason, they usually pull out all their charms right before we leave. i'm caught up with work right now, so i won't even have to take any with me. can't wait!

chop

chop, as i've now nicknamed her, was at the pool again this morning. but this time, i brought my fins in defense, and i splashed her as much as she splashed me. mike got more money thrown at him at work yesterday. if he keeps this up, i may never have to work again! or, at least, i may never have to use elance again or take boring jobs.

splish splash

if i won the lottery, one of the first things i'd do is put one of those treadmill-like pools in the backyard so i wouldn't have to swim at the gym anymore. there was a woman in the pool today that, i swear, was just trying the chop up the water the entire time i swam laps. she was there yesterday, too, when i commented on how choppy the water was, so i guess she didn't like my comment very much. i prefer calm waters for swimming. i'm hoping that tahoe isn't too cold to swim some laps. i'm bringing my goggles and fins in the hopes of a few good swims. i'm trying to convince mike that our first morning there we should polar bear it in the water. he'll probably wuss out, but i think i might have to do it, just because we'll be so close. i'm plowing through jay mohr's book about snl right now so mike can read it while we're up there, since i plan to be buried in a book the better part of every hot, lazy afternoon. but i do hope it cools off a bit. no need to scorch while we're there.

it's been a while

i've been avoiding you. i've been obsessing about storygoil's uncle, and my neighbor across the street, and my friend who just started chemo last week, and lance, who seems to be doing not quite so well this year. and to top it off, yesterday i was at kaiser all day with my m-i-l for her colonoscopy. i was miserable, so i can't even imagine how she felt! luckily, i had the foresight to pack a bag (it being kaiser and all) and i got tons of work done. in fact, i ran out of work to do, read bust cover to cover, and started a new book. i blew off tai chi last night, partly because it's so damn hot and the room they have us use is blazing hot anyway, and partly because i'm not as into it as i thought i'd be. it's a little too low-key for me, i think. so i'm toying with the idea of tai kwon do, or karate of some sort. i think that may be more my speed. i have a million things to do today and want to do them all before it hits 100, so i'm out!

death and dying

i guess that's pretty morbid, but that's what's on my mind. our neighbor across the street has been put on hospice, and my friend starts chemo tomorrow. cancer's all around me. was it always? how did i never notice it before three years ago? before i had cancer, it seemed so remote. sure, i knew a few people who died of cancer, but it didn't seem as prevalent as it does now. i've been watching lance and it amazes me how strong he came back. his doctors now say he has only a one percent chance of the cancer coming back. while i don't put much stock in percentages, that's pretty incredible considering he was near death at one point. i'm nearing my three-year anniversary of my last chemo treatment. three years ago at this time, i was at my lowest point. it may sound trite, but unless you've been through chemo, you just don't get it. it's the most awful thing you can go through, not just physically, but psychologically. and on top of that, i was dealing with my asshole employers at that time, which made it all the worse. what's funny is that for those who knew what was going on with my work at the time, they'd always say stuff like, "oh, they'll get theirs. karma is a bitch." which always made me wonder what they thought i must have done karmically to get cancer.

a better place

i'm in a better place today than i was a few days ago. not so tender to the touch. maybe it's all the chicken i've been eating? or maybe it's just that i've decided that i'm just going to try to be the best version of me i can be and whatever happens happens. i'm now trying to get the majority of my work done today so i can spend the next two days with mike, biking around and slurping snow cones and jambas and watching the tour de france. i just finished watching the time trials, and for the next three weeks, my mantra is "go lance go!" if he wins, i'm going to be one big crying mess--probably if he loses, too.