inadequacies

sometimes i feel like everyone is smarter than me, writes better than me, gets better work than me, has better novel ideas than me, is skinnier than me, has better clothes/hair/shoes than me, yadda, yadda. while my brain knows this is not true, i have a hard time because i feel like i keep receiving teeny tiny blows to my ego, that when added up equate to a very large kick in the gut. which is why i'm so happy i started tai chi last night, because for at least on hour, i wasn't thinking about everything and was only focused on my breathing and small body movements, which was so relaxing. today is another crazy day of running around and then tomorrow is a baseball game, then friday, which means the week is over and i'll be back to stressing about deadlines and all my shortcomings. ugh!

plans

is it ridiculous to already be excited about the fall? or plans for next fall? i don't think so. only a few years ago i wasn't looking past the end of one day, let alone a few months ahead. now i'm back to looking forward to things, but still appreciating the day to day stuff. do you hear that, cancer? i'm still very in each day, so i don't need a wake-up call. mike and i got out the u.s. map yesterday and were plotting our big trip, and having so much fun planning the route and what to see along the way. other than being away from the kitties for three weeks, it will be amazing. but i'm already choked up thinking about leaving them for that long, even if they will be left in very capable hands. i remember by the end of our honeymoon (only 10 days) i was missing riley ann so much it hurt. i have more than a year to get used to the idea of leaving them for that long...they will have a mini test when we head for the hills for a few days soon. and a longer test later this year when we head north. (notice how, like storygoil, i'm paranoid about writing dates/locales in l.j.) as mike said yesterday regarding all our trips/plans, "this summer rocks." and with the coastal weather we've been having, it certainly does.

paranoia

i was so worried yesterday that the email i sent to the editor who lacked direction was going to cost me more work, but just this morn in my in box was a new monthly assignment! and about art, theater and what not! woo-hoo. so not only will i have more work, but i may even score some free tixs out of it. i used to get free stuff all the time when i toiled at the magpie doing their calendar of arts/music/theater. like the time i got free tickets to the b street, and was there with my date/boss/now brother-in-law and timothy b. was scammin on me. even though he was married. and even though he and my b-i-l are good friends. loser. which one? you decide.so mike and i had a big talk last night, and it started out so funny. we went out to dinner and i told him this idea i have for a novel, and i was trying to explain it because there's some major plot twistyness, and i was having a hard time. then we came home and were hanging out and i guess i was being quiet because he asked me what i was thinking about ("the novel?" he asked) and i said really slowly, "noooo, i've been thinking about..." and really fast he said, "you don't want to go back to school do you?" to which the answer was hell no. but the thinking was about what seems to be a fav journal topic--food. i've decided to ditch the almost vegan/vegetarian lifestyle after over a year of it. i've given it a good go. but let's face it, i'm never gonna give up my leather purses and shoes, and i still eat cheese occasionally. so i'm going back to chicken and fish (but no red meat, not because i don't believe in it but because it scares me--mad cow and all). we're still staying with soy milk, yogurt and ice cream. and now when we go to moxie next week for diner, i can get the chicken artichoke, which is not only the best meal in all of sacramento (probably northern california), but also the thing i've been depriving myself of for a year now!!! moxie, here i come...and right now, jamba here i come for a green tea smoothie, my other fav thing right now!

brrrrr

it's cold in here. i have the windows wide open, so i guess i'm just a glutton. but i have a press pot to keep me warm. green tea (something the detox queen would frown upon). i also just finished two book yesterday--both of which i did not want to finish. being the animal lover that i am, reading about a woman whose dog died of cancer had me sobbing, but the story did have a positive ending. i'm surprised mike didn't come in the room and say, "see! that's why i don't like to read!" work has been good this month. other than one small project that i ended up having to give up on due to lack of direction. i wish editors would understand that if they just say, "write about blank" and i write about blank, they can't keep asking for revisions and then after FIVE revisions finally say, "oh, you might want to look at what we did last year for ideas." um, yeah, would have been more helpful a month and five revisions ago! and by now, the price per word has gone from 30 cents to a penny per word. thanks but no thanks. i'm not a quitter (although you wouldn't know it from the three-day detox). i hate to give up, but i also know when it's time to draw the line. the pre-cancer me would have kept at it until i hated the story (and editor) just because i used to want to make everyone happy all the time. now i only care about my happiness (and mike, and the cats).

end of detox

alas, the detox did not last. after two days of constant headaches and hunger, i gave in. but i did learn that i don't need to indulge my sweet tooth as much as i used to, and that i can cut back on caffeine, just not completely. and i did lose five pounds, although starvation and eating nothing but veggies will do that to you! i fluctuate between a fuck it i've had cancer and i should be able to have whatever i want mentality, and an i'm overweight and will only continue this downward spiral if i don't do something drastic mentality. and it's no picnic! and it doesn't help that all i want to do is sleep and not go to the gym. i'm such a bad girl.

day two

it's day two of my detox, and it's going well, though i don't know how i'll make it until next sunday without iced tea to cool me off. and let's face it, munching on a carrot, though sweet, isn't quite the same as a vegan oreo. right now the focus is on cleaning up my liver and colon, so when i fast on monday, my organs won't go into shock. plus, i won't have a bunch of junk in my system to sit around on fast day and guck everything up. i can't believe it's already nearing the end of june. where does the time go? seriously, where does it go? the weeks always seem so busy, but when i look back now, what have i been filling the time with? swimming? i'm not at the pool all day. tv? even i can't watch that much tv, especially in the summer. reading? yes, i'm finally finishing the two books i started last month, but i haven't been devouring books like i used to. i have all kinds of good intentions, and then the days just melt by. i wish we could add a few hours to the day, without having to add more hours to the "work" week or day. just more hours with which to read and write and hang out with mike when he gets home from work late and i'm already in bed because we get up so damn early in the mornings and i require 8-10 a night. i need more.

detox

like a lot of people, i tend to spend money when i'm depressed. and i'm not feeling great about myself right now, so i'm spending dough. i'm actually preparing to try something pretty radical to jump start my body and get all the residual chemo out--i'm going to detox. in order to do so, i have to avoid certain foods for seven days first, and one of them is coffee/caffeine. and since i'm starting this preparation on sunday, this morning i went out and bought myself a grande latte. and i plan to make a jamba run tomorrow. the seven-day preparation isn't a far cry from how i eat normally, except now i will have to give up soy (milk, tofu, etc.) and green tea, two of my addictions. then i have to fast for one day and then go back to the seven day regime (but for only three days) before i can resume my normal eating. i figure summer is the best time to do all this crazy stuff because it's not like i want to eat a lot of food when it's hot anyway. maybe i can expel all the crap out of my body that's hidden in the dark corners and stop forgetting things and feel lighter and stop being so clumsy (all of which i attribute to chemo, because i never had these problems before). plus lose some weight and clear up my skin, two things that are supposed to happen with this detox. a girl can dream...

i live in a small town

but, as john would say, that's good enough for me. and having lived in midtown for over five years during the bulk of my 20s, i do occasionally see people i once knew. for instance, today, when i was waiting for my friend at caf baf, minding my own business and reading a book when old flame mr. rock star walked through the door. granted, i'm sure he thinks he's a bigger rock star than he is, but since his videos have played on mtv, i will give him some credit. he was just as much a rock star 10 years ago when we dated briefly, but back then (especially when we first met) i had no idea who he was and had never heard of his band, something my coworkers at the time got a great laugh out of, since he was a regular customer where i worked (a bank). so in walks rock star this morning, looking very old and tired and incognito sporting a grizzly adams-like beard. i glanced up, because i was sitting by the door and do that out of habit, and our eyes locked for an instant, and i knew he recognized me just as i recognized him. and neither of us said a word. i've actually seen him around a few times in the last few years, both of us seeing each other and recognizing but never saying anything. i thought he was living in the bay area and married by now, did i read that somewhere or did i make that up in my head? and why do we never speak? it's not like we had some bad breakup or something. he went on tour that summer, and by the time he came back i was dating the man i'm now married to. we never agreed to be exclusive. he did send me a few postcards and call a few times while he was gone (i bet i could make a killing selling those postcards on ebay now!). and when he got back we went for coffee and mutually decided that things were over before they ever really started. and one of the last things he ever said to me was, "i really hope you don't write about me someday." like i was going to sell our story to the tabloids or something. well, i never promised him i wouldn't, but i never have--until now, that is. sorry mr. rock star.

from the sea

so i'm trying to be healthy (or healthier, because i'm already a vegetarian/borderline vegan) and i bought these dried seaweed "snacks" per my nutritionist's recommendation. they taste like when you're little and you're at the beach and you get caught by a wave and get a huge mouthful of salty, kelpy water. i'm really trying to like them, despite that. then my superskinny husband comes in and grabs a handful and eats them like it's nothing. how can he, the human garbage disposal, remain so slim and trim, while i keep packing on the pounds while denying myself any food enjoyment? so unfair. we went to a funeral this morning for mike's friend's dad. then mike got his first ever massage, and i can already tell he's hooked. so glad we don't have kids, because we have too many expensive habits. and the capper on the day is a concert in berkeley this evening. i have to admit, though, i'm more excited at the prospect of buying tickets tomorrow morning for the odd men out tour--ben folds, ben lee and rufus w. i'm so glad mike andi like the same music and i'm not being dragged to garth brooks or some shit like that while i drag him to britney spears or something horrible like that. but tonight will be fun, and i'm excited to see a venue i've never been to before. since i can't stand the fillmore, we have to find other good places to see our favs.

the cancer conundrum

i'm officially freaking out. yesterday was a bad cancer day. first, i discovered quite by accident that an amazing man, brendan halpin (http://www.brendanhalpin.com/), who wrote an amazing book, it takes a worried man, about his 32-year-old wife's diagnosis with breast cancer--to put it bluntly, she's now dead. then, i got an email from sally, who just got her path report back and the cancer's in one of her nodes, and the margins aren't clear, which means more surgery, a possible mastectomy, and definite chemo and radiation. fuck. then i started reading the sf chronicle journal of alicia parlette (read it here: http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/gate/special/pages/2005/alicia/index.DTL) and by bedtime last night, I was in meltdown mode. What I originally thought was my sport-related leg/knee injury I'm now even afraid to think about. If Alicia can get "butt" cancer (in her muscle), well, I still can't even write it. It's bad enough the thought is in my head, but to commit it to anything outside my own brain...welcome to the life of a cancer survivor. You can go along for days, months, years, and then something happens, or a chain of events unfold, and suddenly you're wondering if the last few years were just a cruel trick to get you to feel safe again, just so tptb could pull the rug right out from under you. I'm going to worry myself sick about this, especially since I will not talk to anyone about it and put it out there--especially Mike, who had a bad enough day yesterday with the news about Sally and Brendan's wife (Mike read the book, too, since it was really about how a husband deals with his wife's cancer). I hope my chiro has the MRI request ready to go this morning, and I also hope my oncologist orders the test quickly so I can move on.

rain?

what is up--it's june and it's raining? and cold. all i want to do is crawl back in bed with kittens and a good book and watch dvr'd shows all day. maybe i will! who's to stop me? i have no immediate deadlines. and i have no boss. i am the boss of me! plus, today is the only day i'm not getting poked and prodded all week. monday was the chiro, yesterday was massage, tomorrow is chiro and maybe friday is an mri. why don't they just cut off this leg and give me a new one? wouldn't it be great if we could remove faulty limbs and new strong sturdy ones would grow back in their place? all i know is, i'd better not need surgery, because i will have to think long and hard before going under the knife again. it's not like i'm a pro athlete or something. maybe i will head back to bed, since that's the only place i can ice everything that needs icing and still be comfortable. the thought of icing is making me freeze, but i love not hurting afterward. wish i could always feel that pain free.

peace made

i'm finally feeling comfortable with my new computer. granted, it's still a bit chaotic, and as ross would say, nobody likes change, but it is so much faster than the old that i can forgive it for being scary. our latest tech issue is the fact that there's a green light on one of our cable boxes that's on all the time that shines right in mike's eyes when he's in bed. as he says, it radiates green beams into the room. i keep telling him to shut his eyes, but i guess he's been sleeping with one eye open or something. luckily, it's time for our monthly bedside swap, so at least i won't hear him complaining about that green light anymore--i can sleep through just about anything, so i doubt it will bother me much. i've finally started rehab (no, not that kind) for my leg. i saw a chiropractor yesterday who just about killed me with the breaking up of the scar tissue and the muscle stim machine, but today it feels a little bit better (or maybe it's because i've iced it so much it's now numb). between her and massages, maybe i can finally get back to running again. it's nearing time for me to go visit storygoil and have a cool ap and hear about whales and eagles and shoes and mamazine and second child deliberations...