nye 2007

moxie (the restaurant, not our cat!) for dinner. co-op cheesecake for after. happy new year!

blah humbug

christmas was awful. i ate chinese food by myself. maybe it was a glimpse of a future christmas? i don't know, but whatever it was, it sucked.

mike and his mom went to see THE BABY. it's all about THE BABY. or really, it's all about mike's mom and her wanting to see THE BABY every chance she gets, so long as it involves my husband carting her around. i think he was a chauffeur in another life.

no, i still have not seen THE BABY. i probably never will, at this rate. because even if we could sneak away for a day without my m-i-l, there's still the d-o-g to deal with. which is why i stayed home in the first place. because to board her costs $, and to ask friends to watch her is a recipe for disaster. or a good way to lose friends.

i did go over to the cousins' house for what was supposed to be christmas dinner, but turned out to be me watching all of my other in-laws exchange gifts for two hours while i sat there with a smile plastered on my face and then excused myself and went home, because we still had not eaten and i was about to start eating my arm. i feigned a headache and headed home. and wished i had just stayed home to begin with.

i have my hopes pinned on nye, when we are going to dinner at moxie, to salvage what would otherwise go down on record as one of the worst holidays i've had since i've been married. well, besides 2001, when i was diagnosed with cancer the day after christmas. that was the worst one ever in the history of christmas.

once

quite possibly the best film ever, and definitely the best of 2007.

and yes, the soundtrack will be mine before the weekend's over.

too bad it's bound to take years before it's made into a broadway show and then makes its way to my home town. but rest assured, i will be waiting patiently.

there's a pill for that

overheard at the gym yesterday morning:

"i realized i have been suffering from depression for years. now that's i'm taking anti-depressants, i feel so much better."

"so how do they make you feel?"

"you know that feeling when you get out of bed for work in the morning and you just don't want to move? like you'd rather die than get up and get going? like you're walking through quicksand? it helps with that. it helps me move...and it makes it so i don't want to kill my co-workers."

thank you for being a friend

what a difference a week makes. add to that some great conversations with friends, and i now feel like things are on the mend.

it's nice to know that i'm not the only one with marriage issues, but i do wish it wasn't such a taboo topic. it seems like everyone's been through it (some more than once), yet not many people openly talk about it.

luckily, two of my friends did share with me, which has helped me tremendously.

that, and 20 mg of prozac! and i know i'm in good company there.

thaw

the sun is bright outside my window, and i feel my heart thawing a bit. after a long heart to heart conversation last night, all is not lost. there is hope, and that i will cling to.

a storm is brewing

yesterday was a dark, ugly day. i still feel sick about it. literally. throw-up sick. i even felt something break inside, and i think it might have been my heart. just a little crack. a hairline fracture. between being laughed at about how much i weigh and told i need to get a "real" job, i am now waiting for the 7-year-itch shoe to drop. and something inside me has shifted slightly--contents will shift under pressure. and lord knows, i've been under it lately.

dads are the greatest

who doesn't love a dad who says: "well, why doesn't he make more money?"

glass

i wish i was a turtle. then i could just curl up in my tough outer shell for a while.

god, if i feel this awful on prozac, how would i be feeling off of it?

i know things could always be worse, because they have been (hello, cancer!). but why can't my significant other see that? instead of focusing on money and income and not happiness and health?

i mean, if i went to work full time, i'd still only be making slightly more than what i'm making freelancing less than full time. and i'd be miserable to boot. is it really worth it?

while i'm trying to see the glass half full about the situation, he's seeing the glass half empty. meanwhile, i think there was just an earthquake and the glass is in shards on the floor...