light and dark

that's how it's been today outside. one minute the sun's out, the next it's gray and cloudy and dark. kind of like my moods lately. one minute i'm happy and relaxed, the next i'm stressed about money and vacations and work. i almost got sucked into watching 54 this morning. i think i've seen the whole movie in bits and pieces, but never all in one sitting and in order. so i found this cool string bracelet craft project to make for cynthia and sally for when we visit them in san diego, and i found it in, of all places, martha stewart living (a magazine i would never subscribe to but was given a subscription as a gift from my m-i-l--was it a hint?). to me, martha and oprah are the same type of person--one who pretends to be all kind and compassionate but is really just an egomaniac. i'd like to send martha, oprah and dr. phil to an island and let them chat each other to death. so my column this month (http://www.insidepublications.com/pdf_stories/06-02/Go%20Your%20Own%20Way%20206.pdf) has been getting a lot of emails. and one of them really bugged the shit out of me. some 33-year-old mom sent me a big long email that reads:I cannot say that I share your experiences on friendship, but I felt compelled to respond. And though I generally disagree with many of your comments, I do agree on one. When it comes to friendships, it may be in your best interest to lower your expectations. I am a 33 year old women who has 12 wonderful girlfriends. Seven of these true friends, best friends. I take no credit for these relationships. I try to be a good listener and a shoulder to cry on at best. But I must be doing something right, because I have been friends with 6 of these women for 20 years. Even though I've flown "under the radar" for weeks, sometimes months, at a time. Not because I don't value their friendships, but because life happens. I'm a wife, a mother of two (and I do have extensive conversations with my friends about my children, as most proud mothers do, because they are a HUGE part of my life), I work part-time go to school part-time, and try and lead a life beyond all of the priorities. At the end of the day, the only thing I want to do is sit and relax with my husband, who is also my best friend, and talk, watch TV or share a glass of wine. The best part of it is that I know in the end, that my friends understand. I know this because they tell me. Last week I met up with some friends to grab a bite to eat, and when I apologized for not calling them back what they said was this: "You don't ever have to worry about calling me back...I know how it is". And I believe them because I feel the same. I've gone without speaking to one of the maids of honor in my wedding for 6 months, sometimes longer....and she lives in the same city! And instead of getting a scolding, she invited me to her bridal shower. And I went. We often do what you said your husband does with his friends. Pick back up where we left off. And I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me. To know that she understands. To know that she doesn't disown me because of this. To know that she doesn't judge me. To know that she gets that even though I value her friendship (without a doubt), life happens. Their is only so much time in the day, only so many days in a week. And before I know it, months have passed. But I will say this, when we get together it's as if no time has passed at all. It's not the quantity of time, it's the quality. so much about her email bugged me, but i didn't want to get into a tit for tat with a "reader" so i sent her a quick reply: i think it boils down to perspective. after all i've been through, i choose not to lower my expectations; instead, i seek out friends who treat me as i treat them.i also got a response from a breast cancer survivor who said she felt the same way i did, and an 83-year-old man who said he's antisocial and he likes it that way. oh, and last night mike said, "eleven years ago i met a partier and now i'm married to an old lady." of course, i was in bed at 6 p.m. when he said this.

heroes

a few years ago, if you had asked me who my heroes were, i probably would have had a hard time coming up with any names. today, there are an odd assortment: lance armstrong, for beating cancer's ass; the passengers of flight 93, for taking action; and periel aschenbrand for being a creative genius. i just finished her book which basically documents where she got the idea for bodyasbillboard.com, and it did not disappoint. it gives my "100 reasons not to vote for bush" poster even more meaning, since she talks about a lot of the people on the poster, including one of her really good friends who used to be a mormon. mike and i had to share the computer this weekend because he had work to do and i always have something i should be doing. luckily, yesterday i hand-edited all my stories that are due next week while i made a huge batch of vegan chocolate chip cookies. (no, we did not go to the funeral because mike has poison oak on his neck and it's so bad that it basically looks like raw meat and he didn't want to go and have everyone have to look at it (plus it would ruin his suit because it's all oozy. i know, lame excuses.)tonight after dinner i'm going to try to finish the writing on the wall so i can start two new books tomorrow: emily's reasons why not, since i'm in the mood for light, and the friend who got away, since i just wrote my column on friendship and discovered that book while doing a little research. hopefully i will be able to get the cardio thingy i want at the gym tomorrow morning so i can read while i work out!

find

i went to target today to buy some nylons because thank god i don't have to wear them anymore (for work) and so i threw all of mine out years ago. but i need some for the funeral tomorrow. so there i was choosing a pair and then i happened to go by the purse dept. and saw: the. cutest. purse. so cute. and so on sale. i mean, under $10 on sale. so i snatched it up. it was nice to get something cute when i was shopping for something so depressing like funeral nylons. i dvr'd the office to watch with mike and had to watch it today...so worth it! i only wish i had thought to leave a package like that at some of the jobs i've had in the past. too funny. i also remember having offices crushes and acting much like pam . probably the only good thing about working an an office is the office crush (of course, that only happens if you're lucky enough to work with cool guys, or girls, as the case may be). all i have in my office is a big orange cat who wants to EAT NOW.

bookworm

for our five-year anniversary (wood) mike gave me two wood bookmarks inscribed "to my little bookworm--happy five-year anniversary." every time i look at them it makes me smile. and right now, i'm in the middle of two great books, so both are in use. i can't wait for this month to be over. it's been a bad month all around, and to put it behind me will be liberating. the pessimist in me is saying that this month is an indication that this will be a crappy year, and the optimist in me is trying to convince me that all the crap will be out of the way and the rest of the year will be fabulous. i hope the optimist is right. i biked at the gym again yesterday, and i went for so long (30 miles) that my ass literally fell asleep. apparently an hour and a half on the recumbent bike is not good for the butt. or maybe it is. maybe the only way to make my ass shrink is to make it fall asleep? the weather is making me wish i had planned to go running this morning instead of tomorrow morn, when it will most likely be raining, but alas, i did the ride yesterday, so no run today. got to give the old bones a break between workouts these days. all the good shows were on last night (lost, veronica mars, bones, invasion, project runway), so i'd better go get watching...

heat

my cats have finally discovered that my small office heater does something besides blow air--that's right kitties, it's warm! once they got over the blowing air part, they now fight each other to get closest to the heat, which, although entertaining, means i'm not getting any of the warmth. i guess the trade-off is it keeps them occupied while i'm on the phone and trying to get my work done. tomorrow a runner friend of mine and i are going to lunch at bali and then going to visit rob, who's dying of cancer. after saturday's funeral (the kid just turned three in sept. for pete's sake!), i'll be hoping for some good news--you know, winning the lottery kind of news. something to shake the black cloud that's been above my head these days.

death and dying

that was the name of my favorite class at sac state when i studied psychology. loved the professor, even went on to be his assistant. but what i remember the most was a field trip we took to a funeral home (one that i now live near) where i got to see an actual dead body and even touch it (that wasn't part of the tour, but when i told the prof that i'd never even seen a dead body before, he condoned my quick poke). and for the next 10 years or so, that was my only encounter with death. then i got cancer. then i met people who had cancer. then i knew people who died from cancer. then my two favorite uncle-in-laws died and i went to their funerals, my first and second funerals ever attended. then mike's good friend's dad died, and we attended another funeral. then about two weeks ago, one of mike's coworkers was in a horrible car accident and his only son, age three, was killed. and we're now going to that funeral on saturday. i don't even think there should be caskets that small. and i have all these morbid thoughts like, is it going to be open casket? how did they preserve the body for two weeks (embalming doesn't last that long, does it)? what if i freak out and start sobbing so loud i have to leave? what if i can't cry at all or get a sudden attack of the giggles, which i am prone to do at inappropriate times? what if i blank and forget all of mike's co-worker's names? and what am i going to wear? i can't fit into any of my somber clothes these days. i know, who the fuck cares, right? but these are my rambling funeral thoughts.the funeral will be a capper on a week where i'm trying to arrange to go visit a gym acquaintance who is dying of cancer and is on hospice. his story is heartbreaking. husband and father of two, healthy as can be, starts coughing up blood occasionally and finally goes to the doctor and finds out he has testicular cancer that's metastasized to his lungs. after several rounds of aggressive chemo (is there any other kind? why isn't there passive chemo, cuddly chemo, even kitten chemo?) and several in-and-out hospital stays, the doctors thought everything was ok. then the tumors came back and now it's full blown and he's terminal and he's fought so hard and for so long that it just makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with a god who would do something like that to someone like him. i mean, really, what the fuck!?

someone's got a case of the mondays

why am i so blah about work and life in general these days? is it the cold weather? maybe it's the fact that my skin is freaking out thanks to menopause. as my facialist and dermatologist both say, i have the skin of a hormonal teenager and an old woman--at the same time. lovely. and although i will try pretty much anything at this point, i draw the line at accutane, which is what my derm suggested at my last visit. thanks but no thanks. my standing 1pm client just rescheduled, which means i now have a whole day ahead of me and little desire to work. but i know i need to, because i've been taking weekends off lately. tomorrow mike will find out if they have reconsidered his raise, and although he won't admit it i can tell he's nervous. i think he's more nervous about the thought of looking for another job. he's such a loyalist, whereas i used to have no problem polishing off the old resume and finding a new gig. thankfully those days are over.well, i've procrastinated long enough. time to get to work!

the games men play

mike went to dinner last night with his basketball buddies, and apparently when the check came someone suggested they all play credit card roulette. luckily, mike's card was not chosen for the well over $200 dinner payment, and when he came home and told me about it, he didn't get why i was mad. i asked him why he even participated, and he said, "everyone else was," which tempted me to say, "if everyone else was jumping off a bridge..." i let it go because we weren't stuck with the bill, but i feel the need to vent. while i'm sure of the guys wouldn't bat an eye at dropping $200-something for dinner, who are any of them to assume that anyone else can afford it? it's common knowledge that a few of them are really well off people (or their parents are). but most have more than one kid, own homes, etc. mike and i don't even have kids and i would have been pissed if we were stuck with the bill, so i can't imagine how, say, someone whose wife had just had another baby in addition to the two toddlers they already have would be thrilled to pick up the tab. or even if he didn't care, i'm sure his wife would. i just don't get it. and frankly, i think it's rude.

raising hell

my sweets got knocked down for the first time at his job yesterday. his request for an annual review/raise was denied because the higher ups felt "it was not warranted at this time." ????? um, yeah, this is the go-to guy that kicks ass every day that you just gave a huge bonus check to, but he doesn't deserve a raise? has everyone there completely lost their minds? i know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter much, and it's not about the money (well, it is a little bit), but mike is now so down and depressed because they aren't recognizing how much he works, and it breaks my heart. all is not lost, because he's asking them to kindly reconsider (before he starts looking for another job!). so we're waiting, but not breath holding. i guess what heidi klum says is true, "one day you're in, and the next day you're out."

i am now on my second attempt to purchase a copy of the year of magical thinking (which everyone whose l.j. i read is referencing these days). the first attempt it never came (damn those used book sellers!). so i bought it new this time and it should be arriving any day now.

in the meantime, my work lull has left me with time to ride 25 miles on the bike at the gym, watch a bunch of dvr'd shows (lost rocks!), read a stack of magazines and watch a flix or two. all of which is to say i'm being lazy, and if i hadn't had cancer, i might even feel guilty about it.

loss

mike found out yesterday that one of his coworkers (the nicest young guy--always says, "that's AWESOME!") was driving home from the coast with his family (wife and two kids) and another car hit theirs and one of their sons died after complications from a coma (the details are fuzzy, but that's the gist). these people are younger than i am and are now dealing with the death of their child. i can't imagine what that must be like. i went to the florist today and picked out an azalea bush to send them--i liked the idea of something they could plant versus something that would wither and die (flowers).

totally unrelated subject

my dad called this morning to inform me that my mom asked my sister for my phone number and she didn't give it to her out of respect for my privacy. all of which i find comical, because it's not like i'm in witness protection or something. if my mom had wanted to talk to me in the last 10 years, i figure she would have called by now. it was more that she wanted me to know she was going through the motions. and when my dad told me all this, i said, "why does karen (my sister) have my number?" which pretty much tells you all you need to know about my relationship with her. they are both wacko and i haven't talked to either of them in many, many years.

totally unrelated subject

is it weird that i (gently) bite my cats on their necks? is it weird(er) that they like it?

crazy night

here's a tip: don't watch kinsey followed immediately by the l word and expect to get a peaceful night's sleep. on the other hand, if you desire crazy dreams, then that's the perfect cocktail (no pun intended).i think about half of the city has today off, but since mike doesn't, i don't. well, i could take the day off, but since i did not a bit of work over the weekend (so relaxing!), i need to bust it this week to make up. and other than a run and my facial, today is shaping up to be a most productive day. mike is working late, which means i will be too since i don't want to eat dinner alone. the month is already half over and i just realized i never bought a 2006 organizer insert. must explain the weird past couple of weeks, no?

week from hell

it figures that my first official week from hell of 2006 has a friday the 13th in it. the capper was an email dispute in which i finally said fuck it and refunded that stupid editing client their deposit because i'm tired of the whole thing. at least i can write it off as a loss, so not all is lost (pun intended). lessons learned this week: ex-supervisor is still a bitch with too much time on her hands; don't park on alhambra between h and i streets in the morning rush hour; never take editing projects without seeing the actual doc to be edited. luckily, i also learned that there are still some good people out there (such as the guys who witnessed my car being hit); sally is a really, really good lawyer; removing stress is worth more than a couple hundred dollars.

midtown crasher

so there i was after my massage, finally relaxed and unstressed from all the editing and stressing i've been doing for the past two days. i go out to my car and find that someone's HIT MY CAR and left the scene. and thankfully two guys who happened to witness it left me a note with the plate number and make/model of the car that hit mine. my new car. my NEW car. now, mind you, the damage is minimal and it's driveable and all, but still. so i had to call my insurance company, who i by now have on speed dial, and open a claim. then i had to call the police and file a report. and the witnesses don't feel comfortable/can't id the driver of the other car (other than to say he was african american), so it's a long drawn out paperwork process, and when i told mike he was all pissed (at me???) and said, "good luck with that." needless to say, that went over like a ton of bricks. the irony is, my massage therapist and i were just talking about how we thought it was going to be a good year and all that, and i told her about the letter and everything. well, i can only hope all my year crap is happening this week all at once. but mostly, i don't get why all the car incidents in my life have to happen to me. not that i want stuff to happen to mike, but why doesn't this kind of crap ever happen to him? he already calls me the midtown crasher because i've been in three accidents (all not my fault, thankfully) in midtown, and now this. but to be fair, when i lived in my studio his car was hit by my neighbor once, and another time a tree limb fell on his car...in any event, we're enlisting the help of my brother in law, who is a cop in sf, to run the plate and see if we can find out where the hit and run driver lives to take a picture of his messed up car. and maybe find out what insurance he has (if any--probably not). i keep telling myself, it could always be worse. it has been worse, so really this is nothing but an inconvenience.

perspective

after a day, i'm in a much better place. and after a discussion with my friend who is also an attorney, and who assured me that i have nothing to worry about at all, i'm over it. and can i just say that, even though he sometimes makes me so mad, i have the best husband?! when he got home and read the letter, his hands were shaking because he was so mad that they upset me again. and then he said the cutest thing--that i finally hit the big time because i got my first hate mail. and then last night, he said that he thinks it's funny that i got to her so bad that she felt she had to defend herself, that i must have struck a large, sore nerve. i even emailed one of my writng idols because she has built a successful career on writing trash about the things that have happened in her life and the people in her life. i doubt she'll ever write back, but i do hope she does. anyway, today i'm getting some tlc in the form of a massage followed by a haircut, two of my favorite things to do/get. and some much needed gossip time with my massage therapist and my hairstylist. i also watched the constant gardener last night, which i liked much more than i expected. beautifully shot and a great story, plus beautiful people, which can't hurt. i hope hustle and flow and the chumscrubber live up to my expectations!

suck balls

that's what some people do in their spare time. i'm too freaked even to explain, but suffice it to say they have ruined my week. and i hate that i let them scare me still, but they do. fuckers!

wired

boy that large hazelnut soy latte is really making me jumpy today. i just got home from a visit with my m-i-l, which was nice, surprisingly. of course, we gossiped about family the whole time, which always helps us get along. mike is out in the field today, and i'm so glad it's sunny so i don't have worry about him getting soaked. he's rejuvenated about work now that they've been showing him the love/$$$.i found someone to do our taxes, so that's one less worry for us. and we decided how to deal with our vaca finances, so we're getting shit done this month!

thank goodness

the l word finally started again. and new shows are starting this week, as well as returning favs. and i'm so glad i decided to half-ass the editing job i got (not through elance so no bad feedback) because it turns out they totally tried to fuck me over, so i'm only doing a cursory edit that the deposit (barely) covers.and thank goodness that mike got his incentive compensation (bonus) check and it totally covers our vaca this fall, although he's such the little saver that he still wants us to put away a couple hundred every month, but that's ok, because that means more ny shopping $$$$.and this week i get both a massage and a haircut, and next monday i get a facial. and i'm so glad the sun's out (although it's freezing) and i have a pot of genmai cha (sp?) and a bowl of popcorn and a netflix or two (my date with drew and november).it's going to be a glorious week!

sleep

last night sucked. i could not get to sleep for hours...watched an alias rerun, read a magazine, contemplated getting up and working, eventually fell asleep after midnight. which makes this morning suck because we got up for the gym at 6am and even a large latte hasn't perked me up yet. and i'm looking at a stack of paper two inches thick that i have to edit. ugh! last night we watched the wedding crashers. why is it that the movies everyone raves about are always the ones i'm not so into? there were two hysterical parts, but other than that it was way too long and way too over the top. those two parts were frickin funny, though. which led to mike and i having a conversation about the top five funny movies of all time (well, not all time, but our time, at least)--we only came up with four so far: 16 candles, PCU, old school, and office space. as for the fifth, i guess we just haven't seen it yet.

whew!

my m-i-l's surgery went better than expected, and it turns out we were only there for about an hour--must be a kaiser record of some sort! which is great, because i took her home and hung out for a bit and then left around 2pm to get back to work. all of a sudden, i'm slammed with work! editing jobs are pouring in, which are not my most fav thing, but so easy i find them hard to pass up. what else can you do while sitting on the couch with one eye on the tv? so now i have a HUGE book to edit (600 pages--holy crap!) and one more quick pass through the other book (much smaller, thank goodness), then i have to get all my regular stuff going again. all of which is to say i'd better get working and quit slacking. but the best part is we're socking away our vaca money and may hit the predetermined savings mark much sooner than we expected. yay!

plans

no, i'm not talking about death cab for cutie's latest awesome cd, but rather plans for our upcoming cross-country trip, about which mike is so excited he could pee, and i'm feeling strangely ambivalent about right now. we made our first purchase for the trip (besides the million travel guides i bought with an amazon gift cert)--real, honest-to-goodness, grown-up luggage. a set. a matching set. four wheelie bags in various sizes to accommodate our belongings whilst we travel out and about. i know my enthusiasm will pick up as the time draws closer, but right now it's months and months away, and i can barely focus on this weekend, let alone this fall. i also made my last frivolous purchase last week, as i'm on a strict budget so we can save for the trip and not have to dip into savings to pay for our play. so, the beautiful ugg clogs in raisin i bought will have tide me over, at least until we hit n.y. where i do plan to drop some dough on cute clothes or shoes or a purse of something. maybe a real kate spade to go with my wallet? somehow i don't feel bad spending hundreds on shoes or bags, because they last forever. in fact, i usually get sick of a pair of shoes long before they've worn out--they wear out their welcome first (he he)! yesterday i spend over two hours on the phone with an elance client going over every edit i made to his document blow by blow. lucky for him he's nice, and i think he will give me future work, so i guess it's all good. i do hope the other project in the wings comes to fruition, as it's a huge editing job that we've taken off elance, so i won't have to pay the fees and whatnot. just $1k in my pocket, baby!in the meantime, i've got a pile of work to take with me to kaiser tomorrow while i wait for jean's surgery and then take her home and get her settled. i hope it goes well, but with kaiser, you never know. i do hope they schedule her surgery early in the day--for both our sakes! i remember one of my bc surgeries was scheduled for 4pm, and they ran late, and i hadn't eaten all day, and hadn't had any water since early am. when i woke up after surgery, the first thing i croaked was, "water." surgery sucks. i hope i never have to have another one.although the sun is playing hide and seek today, i think i'm going to brave the cold and go for an outdoor walk this morning. i'm trying to combat my weight by double workouts and consistent cardio/weights. this week i've been great, four for four so far...

anyone have an ark?

'cause it's been raining buckets here. and every day my dad calls to ask if we're flooded. i keep explaining that if we were flooded, all of sacramento would be flooded, but he just doesn't get it. after reading what storygoil is going through, i'm so glad we got a new roof a couple of years ago. esp. since the old one leaked a bit in the attic. so here we are in the new year, and how did mine start? with a fight with mike (the husband) of course! he was testing the smoke detectors, and since he's got a touch of ocd, he kept testing them, and testing them. and finally i playfully said, "ok...they work!" and he kept going. so i said, "enough, my little ocd husband." and he YELLED, "FUCK JULIET!!!!" and then i stopped talking to him for a while, and when he noticed i was being quiet, he asked if i was ready to apologize to him for my overreacting to the testing--he said it was all my fault for "provoking" him with my comments and that therefore he didn't need to apologize and that "i was crazy" if i thought it was his fault for yelling at me. needless to say, that did not go over well with me. and i wondered if that was some sort of foreshadowing of the new year, being that this fight happened at about 8am on new year's day and all. after a few hours we discussed it and agreed to disagree...i'm trying to get back into the swing of working, but it's just not happening. i've been staring at a story i need to edit, and i have a migraine that keeps trying to go full-blown, but i'm trying not to let it. all i want to do is crawl back into bed with the kitties and sleep for hours, but i know i have too much to do and not enough time as it is, so that would only make things worse in the long run. this week is short as it is, and on thursday i have to take my m-i-l to the hospital for surgery, so that's a whole day blown at kaiser, which sucks on many levels, not the least of which is that i'm trying to avoid the flu and sick people, and kaiser is one big germ factory this time of year. plus, she insists on going to the kaiser on morse, which is where i was born and is at least a million years old. why anyone would have surgery there is beyond me. i'd better dive into my work or it's only going to get worse! here i go...